Some of us don't just care about people, we carry them, their problems, their moods, their decisions, their disappointment, their emergencies, their expectations, even their opinions of us. And then we wonder why we are so exhausted. Now, here's the tricky part. When you're a caring person, carrying people can feel a whole lot like loving them. And so you help. Then you help again. Then you step in, and then you cover, and then you rescue, and then you worry. Then you lie awake at night thinking about a problem that technically isn't even yours. And eventually, you become responsible for things that you were never actually responsible for. You know, I have done this. I'm a pro at it, and I'm learning something that I wish I had understood a lot earlier. Here's the thing: you can love someone deeply without carrying what belongs to them. In fact, sometimes putting it down may be one of the most loving things that you can do, and that's what I wanna talk to you about today Welcome to Pilot Light. I am your host, Josh, and this season, we are talking about passing the flame, about influence, encouragement, relationships, how we show up for people, how we listen, how we tell the truth, how we love people well. But there's a question that we really haven't dealt with yet, okay? Where does my responsibility for another person end? That is such Oh, that's a hard question for us helpers, right? Parents, leaders, spouses, pastors, friends, anyone who has ever looked at another person's mess and thought, "Okay, apparently this is my project now." You know, some of us see a problem, and i- immediately we, right, we put on our emotional tool belt and we're like, "All right. What are we fixing?" And listen, I want you to understand something here. Helping people is good. Serving people is good. Carrying one another through difficult seasons is good. But there is a difference between helping someone carry a load and deciding that their entire life belongs in your backpack. And some of us have been walking around wondering why our back hurts so bad, right? So wherever you're listening from today, let's put a few things down today, okay? Let's light the pilot light I think some of us learn pretty early that being useful feels good. Okay? People appreciate you when you are helpful. They trust you. They call you. They depend on you, and there's something deeply meaningful about being the person that others count on. I like being that person. Just being honest here. I like being that person. If there is a problem, I wanna help solve it. If somebody needs something, I wanna show up. If someone I love is hurting, I don't wanna just stand there and watch. But listen, there is a subtle shift that can happen. You move from, "I want to help," to, "I need to fix this." And those are not the same sentence, because once I decide I need to fix it, guess what? Your outcome becomes my responsibility. Now, if you make a bad decision, I feel like I failed. If you are unhappy, I then feel responsible for making you happy. If you're disappointed in me, I immediately wonder what I need to change. If you're struggling, I start carrying anxiety about whether you're going to be okay, and before long, I can be more emotionally invested in someone's life than they are, and that is not sustainable. And honestly, it's not always helpful Personal story here. Going back to, you know, I've already discussed about my divorce, but one of the things I can honestly say in my divorce is I became codependent. I was dealing with someone with mental health issues and, um, addiction issues, and here's the thing. All the things that I've just said there, the covering, the, the trying to make sure the other person's okay, making the other person happy, doing all these different things, I did all of those things. This is, this, this lesson here, this episode is directly out of my history here. But I remember going to my counselor and explaining what had been going on and all the different things that were, were taking place in my life in that moment and just as my life is crumbling. And she told me, she said, "Josh, you cannot fix somebody. You are not able to fix somebody else." You know, as someone especially that, that has a strong faith and a trust in the Lord, and we feel like, man, prayer is powerful, and yes, it is powerful. But if the other person doesn't want to change, you cannot make them do that. And that was a hard realization to get through my thick head. So, but there was a point, and here's the sentence that I had to learn: I can care without taking ownership. Okay, I want you... I'm gonna, I'm gonna say that again real quick, and some of you need to write this down, okay? Because it's really important for you to understand this. I can care without taking ownership. I can care without taking ownership. Because those things can feel almost identical when you love somebody, but they are different. Care says, "I'm here." Ownership says, "This is mine to fix." Care says, "I'll walk beside you." Ownership says, "I'll carry you whether you walk or not." Care says, "I believe that you can do this." Ownership says, "You probably can't do this without me." And sometimes what looks like extraordinary helpfulness can quietly communicate a lack of confidence in the other person, and that's difficult for helpers to hear. But sometimes the most loving thing that we can say is, "I believe that you're capable of carrying this." All my helpers, listen in. Okay? Once again, sometimes the most loving thing we can say is, "I believe that you are capable of carrying this." How many times should we say that to our kids? And we try to protect them and try to keep them from all the different things, but honestly, sometimes the best thing we can do is go, "You know, I believe that you're capable of carrying this. I believe that you're able to solve this. I believe that you're able to get through this, and not only get through this, but do it well." So here's the big idea today. Helping people is love. However, taking responsibility for their life is not. And knowing the difference changes everything. Because if I believe loving you means keeping you from ever hurting, I will eventually try to control your choices. If I believe loving you means keeping you happy, guess what? I will even eventually betray my own boundaries. If I believe loving you means solving every problem, I'll eventually just exhaust myself. And here's the crazy part. I may also keep you from growing because there are some things people only learn when we stop learning them for them. So here's my first point today Helping and rescuing are not the same thing. Let's make an important distinction here, okay? Helping says, "I'll do what you cannot reasonably do alone." Rescuing says, "I'll keep doing what you could learn to do yourself." Helping moves someone towards strength. Rescuing can actually accidentally keep someone totally dependent. And this is hard because rescuing feels wonderful in the moment, okay? I remember thinking, you know, it was, it's like I felt like I was knight in shining armor. If I could come in, if I could fix, if I could rescue, if I could do all these things, because guess what? It feels really good in the moment. You know, the problem appears, we jump in, the problem disappears. Oh, look, everybody feels better. But if the same problem keeps appearing and we keep solving it, we have to ask a harder question. Am I helping this person grow or am I helping the pattern continue? Parents, you know this one, right? Leaders know this one. In fact, as a leader, I made the same mistake a lot of times. If I constantly solve every problem the team brings to me, guess what? I've trained them to bring me every problem, and I've done that before, and you're sitting there going, "Why do I have so many problems?" Well, 'cause I trained them to do that. That's not leadership. That's a subscription service nobody remembers signing up for. Sometimes the better question isn't, "How can I fix this for you?" It's, "What do you think you should do?" That question returns something powerful to the other person, and that word is the big R word, responsibility. Ugh, right? Oh, we don't wanna hear that word, right? We don't... Responsibility, pfft, right? But we gotta ask that question. What do you think you should do to our kids? What do you think you should do to our employees? What do you think you should do? Those people around us that we're trying to solve every single problem in their life, people around us, our society. What do you think you should do? I'm not here to fix every single problem for you. It's not my job to throw it in my backpack. There's responsibility in that. And so point two then is you are not responsible for everyone's feelings You know, this, honestly, this has taken me some time. As, as someone who is empathetic and, and I kinda have a high EQ, you can feel another person's disappointment almost physically. I can see it. If I disappoint someone, I can literally see it on their face, and I can feel it. If somebody's upset, you... Um, y- it brings about this thing, like, I wanna make it better. Like, I s- I see it. I don't like you feeling that way. I don't like feeling this way, and so how do I make it better? Especially, you know, if someone's upset with you, maybe you just said no. Maybe you set a boundary. Maybe it was a decision that they didn't like, and suddenly their disappointment feels like evidence that you did something wrong. But we talked about this last week. Someone being disappointed with you doesn't automatically mean that you have failed them. People are allowed to have feelings about your decisions. You can't control all that, and you're allowed to make healthy decisions that they don't like. You can listen. You can care. You can explain. You can reconsider if you've genuinely missed something, but you do not have to rearrange your entire life every time somebody experiences an uncomfortable emotion. Sometimes love sounds like, "I understand why you're disappointed," and then silence No frantic explanation, no reversing the boundary, no 12-paragraph text. Don't do that, okay? No presentation with charts and supporting documentation titled, "Why Josh Is Still a Good Person Even Though He Said No." Okay? Just compassion without surrendering responsibility for their emotions. All right, so here's my third point, and this one's a good one, okay? Just buckle up. Here we go. Don't work harder on someone's life than they do. This might be the line that somebody on this other end of this podcast needs to hear today, okay? Don't work harder on someone's life than they do. You cannot make somebody want change. You cannot make somebody become responsible. You cannot make somebody heal. You cannot make somebody apologize. You can't make somebody pursue God. You can't make somebody use the opportunity that you gave them. You cannot make somebody become the person that you can see that they could be. You can encourage, you can invite, you can teach, you can model, you can pray, you can open a door, but eventually they have to walk through it. Okay? Some of us think, "I'm just gonna grab them kicking and screaming and drag them to wherever I need them to go," right? Said every parent out there, right? But eventually we have to let them walk through it, and this is heartbreaking. When you love someone and you believe in them and you can see their future for them, where you're going, "You know what? If you just did this, life would be so much different." And it's heartbreaking to watch that happen because sometimes you see the potential that they cannot see. You can see the path. You can see their decisions and what they're costing them, and every part of you wants to just grab the steering wheel, right? Jesus, take the wheel. Okay? But there's a point where helping becomes control, and love has to leave room for choice. You know what? Even choices we wouldn't make You know, there's something fascinating, um, that the Bible tells us about this. And, you know, as we kind of get this, and you, you can listen to me and, and all the things I'm, I'm talking about today and some of the experiences that I've had and stuff like that, but the realities are, here's the truth of what scripture says. And, uh, this is, this is where y- this is where your truth is, and, and, uh, this is where I want you to really listen in, because this one's powerful today, and this will, this will free some of you, okay? There's a young man who comes to Jesus about eternal life. This is the story of the rich, young ruler, okay? This young man comes to Jesus and he asks him about eternal life, and Jesus talks with him, and then he challenges him, and then he invites him into something deeper, and then the man walks away sad. And he... Here's... Now, here's Um, this is an amazing story here, okay? Here's what strikes me, okay? Jesus lets him walk away. Think about that for a second. Jesus loved him. Mark's gospel specifically says Jesus looked at him and loved him, but Jesus did not chase him down the road. He did not lower the standard. He didn't negotiate or force him to change. He loved him enough to tell him the truth, and he respected him enough to let him choose. That is challenging, because sometimes we think love means preventing people from making painful choices. And what happens is we start trying to manipulate people to get them to do what we want them to do, but that's not what love is. Love is what Jesus just modeled there. He spoke the truth. We talked about truth last week. You have to speak the truth, but the response and the outcome of that, you leave that alone. That's what love is at that point. You know, this is really challenging, like I said, because sometimes we think love means preventing people from making those painful choices, but even Jesus allowed people that freedom. He invited, He taught, He loved, He told the truth, and then people decided what they were gonna do with it. You know, maybe we should stop expecting ourselves to have more control over people than Jesus exercised. There is freedom in that. You, listen, you are called to love people, okay? I don't want you to miss the point on this. You are called to love people, but you're not called to become their savior. That position is already filled. So who are you carrying? Whose mood determines yours? Whose decisions keep you awake? Whose problem have you quietly made your responsibility? Who are you constantly rescuing? Who are you afraid to disappoint? And here's the harder question What are you doing for someone that they may need to begin doing for themselves? Listen, this isn't about becoming cold. I want you to hear me in this. This isn't the, the, the, "Not my problem, not my... You know, good luck on that. It's not my deal." That's not what I'm saying. This is about loving people in a way that preserves both compassion and responsibility. Sometimes people need us to carry them, okay? Listen in. There are seasons when people are grieving, or they're sick, or they're broken, or they're overwhelmed, and they genuinely cannot carry the load alone. That's what community is for. We carry one another. But carrying someone through a season is very different from carrying someone as a lifestyle. One is compassion. The other one becomes dependence. I've already told you what that looks like. Wisdom is knowing the difference. All right, here's our flame challenge this week, and it's a little bit different here, okay? So bear with me here. Here's the thing. I want you to identify one thing that you are carrying that doesn't belong to you, okay? Maybe it's somebody's approval. Maybe it's their disappointment, or it's a decision they're refusing to make, or a problem that you keep solving for them, an outcome that you're trying to control. I want you to name it. Then I want you to ask three questions, okay? Here's the three questions. Write these down. Number one, is this actually mine? Okay, you just got to figure that out right from the get-go. Is this actually mine? And then secondly, so what part of this is my responsibility? And then thirdly, what part, and this is important, what part belongs to them? Okay. Then once you figure that out, then do your part. And I want you to do it well. Do it lovingly. Do it faithfully. And then you give the rest back. Maybe that means a conversation, maybe a boundary, and, uh, just real quick, I remember I read when I was going through some of my tough stuff, the, the book Boundaries. Great book. I encourage if you have issues with this, please go read that book, okay? But as you go through this, maybe, maybe you stop reminding them, or maybe you stop rescuing. Maybe you stop lying awake rehearsing outcomes that you cannot control. Maybe you just simply pray, "God, I love them, but I can't carry this for them, and so I'm giving them back to you." Let me tell you, that's hard, but what hands are better hands than God himself? And then I want you just to open up your hands in that moment and release that in that period of time or in that moment as you pray. So here's to close out this episode. I wanna say something especially to the helpers. Okay, listen in. Get a little close. Okay, come on in. Come on. Everybody, come on in. It's like a little, little meeting here. Imagine a little campfire and we're all talking and, and we're, we're d- we just got done talking about all the tough stuff about life and rescuing people and all that kind of stuff, okay? So we're, we're having a little conversation here, okay? I wanna say something to all you helpers, the strong ones, the responsible ones, the people everybody calls, the people who notice what needs to be done and usually do it, okay? Your willingness to carry things is part of what makes you valuable, okay? Listen, your willingness to carry things for others is what really makes you valuable. Don't lose that, okay? 'Cause sometimes in this, we can get so burned that we decide, "You know what? I'm not doing it anymore. I'm not helping anymore. I got burned last time. I'm not gonna doing that." Don't, don't lose that. Don't lose what makes you valuable. The world needs people who show up. Families need people who show up. Organizations need people who show up. Friends need people who show up. But your strength needs wisdom. Because if you carry everything simply because you can, eventually you won't have the strength to carry what actually belongs to you: your marriage, your children, your health, your calling, your own soul. You don't have unlimited capacity, and you weren't supposed to. So help people, serve them, encourage them, stand beside them, believe in them, pass the flame. But remember, passing someone a flame is different from carrying their torch for them. At some point, they have to hold it You know, when I think about legacy, I don't want the people in my life to simply remember that I did everything for them. I want them to remember that I believed in them, that I helped them discover strength, that I encouraged them, that I gave them room to grow, that when they fell, I didn't shame them, but I also didn't convince them that they were incapable of standing back up. That's an important distinction because maybe one of the greatest things that we can give another person isn't a life without struggle, it's the belief that they have what it takes to walk through the struggle. Maybe someday someone will say, "He didn't carry me forever. He helped me realize I could walk." That's a legacy worth leaving, and that's passing the flame. All right, before you go, I want to hear from you, and I'm really serious about this, okay? This season is about passing the flame, and I know there, there are stories that, uh, as you're listening to this podcast, that deserve to be heard. So tell me yours. Who lit your pilot light? Who believed in you when you weren't sure you even believed in yourself? Who encouraged you? Who showed up? Who helped you discover that you were stronger than you thought? Or maybe you're trying to be that person for somebody else right now. Tell me about it, okay? Like I've said every week, you don't need to be profound. It doesn't need to be this amazing dissertation on how you pulled this whole thing off or what somebody did in your life. You don't need to write it perfectly. Just tell me what happened. You can send your story through the Fan Mail link in the episode description. And throughout this season, I really do wanna start sharing some of those stories right here on Pilot Light. Eventually, eventually, I'm just letting you know this, I would love to have someone sitting across the table from me and having a conversation about some of those moments as well Because this isn't just my story, it's ours. And while you're there, okay, listen, if this episode has made you think of somebody, s- please send it to them. And if Pilot Light has become meaningful to you, uh, you know, it's been so cool watching people, like, literally all over the, literally all over the world in several different countries, that this has become an important part of their week. But I want you to take a minute and rate the show on whatever podcast app you're using. Let people know about it, because this message of reigniting that flame and then passing it on to others, I wanna see a movement where people really are genuinely w- in a healthy state, where we are passing the flame and encouraging people, and being different than what we look at in society, that we are the type of people that go out there and make a difference in this world. And so if, if this has challenged you or changed you in any way, please let me know that and, and let other people know that as well. So those little things help these conversations find people that might need them. And most importantly, like I said, tell me your story. Let's keep passing the flame. All right? All right. Well, thanks for spending this time with me today. I so appreciate it. And before we move on with y- and before you move on with your day, check what you are carrying, all right? Love people, help people, show up for people, but don't take responsibility for something that was never yours to carry. You can care without taking ownership. You can love without rescuing. And sometimes the most loving thing you can say is, "I believe you can carry this." So see farther, live deeper, become who you were created to be, and pass the flame. You were created to be a fire, not just a flicker. So keep the pilot light on, and I will see you next time