Have you ever asked somebody, "Hey, how are you doing?" And their response was, "Good." And you knew they were not good. Not because they were crying or not because they told you that something was wrong. You could just tell something was off, something was different. Maybe they weren't talking as much, or maybe they stopped showing up, or maybe just their energy changed, or maybe the person who's normally making everybody else laugh suddenly got really quiet, and you noticed. But then something interesting happens. We talk ourselves out of what we just witnessed. You know, we say things in our head like, "Well, they probably just had a really long day," or, "I don't wanna pry," or, "If something was really wrong, they'd tell me, right?" Or, "I'll give them some space." And sometimes space is exactly what someone needs. But sometimes we're waiting for hurting people to do something they're barely capable of doing, and that's ask for help. I've been thinking about this a lot lately because some of the people who need us the most will never ask. Not because they don't want someone to care. It's because asking can be incredibly hard, especially for people who've spent their entire lives being, you know, the strong ones. Maybe passing the flame isn't always waiting for somebody to reach toward us. Maybe sometimes we reach first, and that's what I wanna talk to you about today. Welcome to Pilot Light. I am your host, Josh, and this season we are talking about influence. Not influence as popularity, not followers, not platforms. We're talking about the kind of influence that happens when one human decides to genuinely care about another. You know, the last episode I asked you to think about people who helped light your pilot light and to actually tell them what they meant to you, and I hope that you did that. Well, today we're gonna turn that around because somebody around you may need that same kind of person right now. So wherever you're listening from, whether you're driving somewhere or you're standing in front of the refrigerator for the third time hoping new food has somehow appeared since the last time you checked, or you're reading a text and you're mentally answering it and then discovering three days later that apparently mental replies, they don't send. I'm really glad you're here. Let's light the pilot light I think that there are people in every group who become the strong one. You know the person. They're dependable. When something goes wrong, you call them. When somebody needs help, they're there. When everybody else starts panicking, well, they start solving the problem. They're the person carrying the extra bag, making the phone call, figuring out the plan, checking on everybody else, and there's something interesting that happens to strong people. Eventually, everybody assumes they're okay, because they usually are, or at least they look like they are. And you know what? I understand that person. I've spent a lot of my life being responsible, being useful, helping, fixing, carrying things, and there's something rewarding about being the person that people can count on. But guess what? There's also a danger. You can become so good at being needed that people forget that you have needs too, and sometimes you forget. You know, there was a period of my life, and like I said, we... I've kind of touched on some of those difficult areas of my life. But I remember after a divorce, uh, there's a weird thing that happens, and for those of you who have been through a divorce, it's strange, because all of your friend groups all of a sudden kind of get divided, or people don't know what to say, and it gets really weird. And all of a sudden, in that moment, there's kind of nobody around you, and it's really quiet. You know, and, and I don't fault people for that because a lot of times they just don't know what to say. They don't know how to react to it. They don't know what to say. They don't know who to support or what, what needs to happen and all that. But I remember in that moment, and it was probably the darkest time of my life But it was also the quietest time where I probably should have said, "I need help." And in that moment, I didn't know who to go to because it was such a weird moment of my life, and I didn't have people that were coming to me either saying, "Hey, you look like you're having a tough time, and you're really struggling, and, and, uh, I'm not sure what to say here, but, uh, what do you need?" Type of thing. And it can be really difficult and, and as someone who is typically the fixer... You know, remember, I was the pastor. I was the person who was supposed to have all the answers, right? Here I was with no answers, don't know what to do, single dad raising three kids, and I felt really alone, and it was really a hard moment of my life. And I don't do this to guilt anybody else on there. I'm just trying to kind of share this story here because it's a challenge to me, too, to look out and see for others who are going through this moment of their life where it might be the darkest moment of their life. Do I notice that? Do I make the excuses like what I said in the first part of this episode, or do I reach out to them and say, "Hey, I notice you. Is there something, you know, that, that, that I can help you with, or can we just sit with you and talk with you? Can I get you coffee?" Whatever it may be. You know, those moments are really important for us 'cause there's a lot of people, I guarantee you, out there right now, and you might be listening right now, that your moment is really dark, and you don't know who to talk to in this. And I just want to encourage you to reach out to a friend. I know it's hard, but I, I guarantee you it'll be worth it just to open it up because a lot of your friends, they do want to talk to you. And I just want to encourage you that, you know, hang in there, that, uh, I understand that season, and, uh, it does get better. And, uh, I just want to just open this up to you and hopefully that these words that we're sharing today are encouraging to you as well. So it's a little bit about my story on that part there, and I'm not gonna hang out too long on that, um, because even, even now, it's hard to kind of admit that. You know, I, I am used to being the one who handles things. Obviously, I'm the one who's kind of giving advice on here about things, but I'll be the first to say that I'm the, the least qualified on these things other than the fact that I've walked through some stuff. So, but I have learned a few things, and I've learned something about people Pain doesn't always look like pain, okay? Sometimes pain looks like anger. Sometimes it looks like being unusually quiet. So I want you to notice some of these things. Sometimes it looks like working constantly, like just no breaks. Sometimes it looks like jokes. I, I remember going through this some of the times, I can do really good jokes when I'm stressed. I can be the funny guy when things are stressed because it's my way of easing the tension in there. You know, sometimes it looks like I'm fine, right? How many times have you talked to someone and they go, "Oh, I'm fine. I'm fine." I pr- I probably have said that more times, and that's been a total lie, because I haven't been fine at times. And I guarantee you everyone else out there that goes, "I'm fine," is not fine as well. We all are going through stuff. You know, sometimes the person struggling the most is still getting everything done. They look on the outside like they're very successful or they got it figured out or they know exactly what to do, but I promise you they don't. And we need to pay attention to the world around us. We need to pay attention to the people around us, even the strong ones. That's why caring for people requires something more than simply listening to their words. It requires paying attention. That means getting off our phones and actually looking around us and looking for people who may need us in that moment. It requires that kind of attention, because people don't always tell us what they're carrying, but they will often show us. So here's my big idea for today Don't make people earn your concern by reaching a breaking point. We don't have to wait until someone falls apart before we notice them. We can check in before the crisis. We can ask twice. We can notice changes. We can reach first. And I'm not talking about becoming responsible for everybody else's emotional health, okay? We're not exchanging things here. We're, we're not, we're not being that person where we're letting everything dump on us. That's not healthy. You can't rescue everybody, okay? That's one thing I've learned in life. You cannot rescue everybody, okay? And you shouldn't try. But there's a huge difference between rescuing people and noticing them. Sometimes the greatest gift that you can give another person is simply letting them know, "I see you." You know, I told you, uh, in a past episode about me and, and, uh, the family that I walked through the death of a loved one with. It was just sitting there with them. Had nothing to do with my words, or I know for a fact I didn't say anything profound in that moment. But it's that moment of going, "I just see you. I see you're hurt. I see what you're walking through. I see that this is really difficult. I see you." So here's my first point today. The phrase, "Let me know if you need anything," okay, if you've ever heard that one before, isn't always helpful. And I've said this phrase hundreds of times, you know, and maybe you have, too. And, "Let me know if you need anything," we mean it. It's kind, it's sincere. I, I... Like I said, I've said it hundreds of times, and I've genuinely meant it. But you think about what we've just done. We've put the responsibility back on the person who's already overwhelmed. Now they have to decide what they need, right? They decide whether their need is important enough. So they, they're sitting there, and they're already probably not wanting to bother anybody, but you've just put this thing on there, "Hey, just let me know if you need anything." And now they have to decide, "Okay, do I need that? Is it important enough to, to get somebody else involved in it?" And then they have to overcome the fear of inconveniencing us, and then ask. That's a lot of steps, right? Especially for someone who's already exhausted. Sometimes a better question is, "I'm going to the store. What can I bring you?" Very direct, right? Or, "I've got an hour on Saturday. What can I take off your plate?" Or even, "You've seemed a little quieter lately. How are you really doing?" Specific care is easier to receive than a general offer, okay? Put that in the back shelf of your mind because you're gonna have these moments that are gonna come up, and I hope that you, you shift to that, that new way of thinking t- instead of just going, "Let me know what you need." You know, it's kinda like the same th- type of thing of going, "Well, I'll pray for you." We genuinely will, we say, "Yeah, we'll do that. Yeah, we'll pray for you." That's an easy way, but it's also kind of a cop-out, too. And so we need to take those things and have action with it, or if we really genuinely care about that person, to find ways that we can actually help them in those situations. So here's my second part. This is the second point for today. Ask the second question, okay? I think one of the most powerful habits we can develop is really actually incredibly simple. Ask the second question. If you ask, "How are you?" And they respond with, "Fine," normally that conversation's over, right? But what if you pause and you go, "No, really, how are you doing?" Sometimes that can change everything, because the second question communicates something the first one doesn't sometimes do, that I'm actually listening. You know, maybe they still don't wanna talk, and that's okay. You have to respect that. But now they know the door is open, and sometimes that's enough. We're so accustomed to polite conversation that genuine curiosity can feel almost revolutionary. So here's my third point Notice the person who's always noticing everybody else. Here's somebody I especially want you to watch for. Look for the helper. Look for the leader. Look for the caregiver, the mom who remembers everybody's schedule, the dad everybody calls when something breaks, the friend who always checks on everybody else, the employee everybody depends on, the pastor, the coach, the supervisor, the person who seems to have everything together. Check on them. Strong people need strong people, too, and sometimes the greatest kindness that you can give the person carrying everybody else is letting them put something down for a minute. So here's my faith connection. There's something about Jesus that stands out to me when I read the Gospels. He noticed people. Not crowds, people. You know, think about it. A woman everyone else wanted to condemn, a tax collector everyone disliked, a blind man people were trying to silence, children the disciples thought were an interruption, a woman who touched his garment in the middle of a crowd. Jesus constantly noticed the person everyone else was walking past. Okay, think about that for a moment. Jesus constantly noticed the person everyone else was walking past. I don't know about you, but that hits me square in the chest. That is a powerful statement, and one, man, I'm guilty of walking past those in the crowd. One of my favorite moments happens when Jesus meets a man who is unable to walk for 38 years Jesus asked him, he goes, "Do you wanna get well?" And at first, that sounds like, honestly, an obvious question. Of course he does. But maybe Jesus wasn't just asking about his legs. Maybe he was communicating, "I see you." After 38 years, somebody saw him, and there's something deeply Christ-like about noticing people. So let me ask you something. Who's gotten quieter lately? Who's carrying more than usual? Who hasn't been around in your life lately? Who always seems to be helping everyone else? Who keeps saying they're fine, but something in you suspects that they're not? Maybe somebody came to mind immediately. Pay attention to that. You don't need to diagnose them, okay? You don't need to fix them, and you don't need perfect words, but maybe you just need to reach out. So here's our flame challenge for this week. Check on the strong one. Find one person in your life who's usually the person everybody else depends on, and then I want you to reach out. Not because you need something, okay? That's important, okay? Don't be-- do it because you need something. Don't start with, "Hey, how are you? Also, can you help me move a couch Saturday?" Okay, don't do that, right? That's not checking on somebody. That's Craigslist with an emotional manipulation. Just reach out. Say, "Hey, you've been on my mind. I know you're usually the person taking care of everybody else, and I just wanted to check on you and see how you're really doing." Then I want you to listen. Don't immediately give advice. Don't fix. Don't compare their story to yours. Just give them the gift of being heard You know, somewhere around you right now, there's probably someone carrying something you can't see. Maybe they're doing a fantastic job of hiding it. I remember going through some of my stuff, man, I was really good about hiding the struggle because I didn't wanna burden anybody else. And then I, I... It sounds so messed up when I say it out loud. It's like, here I am in the darkest moment of my life, and I'm like, "I don't wanna burden anybody else." But, you know, maybe they've had years of practice, which I did. Maybe everyone thinks they're fine. Maybe they even think they're fine. Sometimes we're blind to the stuff that we're going through. But imagine what could happen if we became people who noticed. I'm not saying be nosy, don't be intrusive. Just be present. Be people who pay attention, people who ask twice, people who don't wait for someone to fall apart before we offer care, because you never know what one phone call might interrupt. You never know what one conversation might lighten. You never know what one person might have been carrying alone, and maybe they're never gonna tell you how much your call mattered, and that's okay. We don't pass the flame because we need credit. We pass it because somebody needs light. So here's our legacy moment for today. Years from now, and I always start off with years from now because I want you to think about this, people probably won't remember most of the advice you gave them, but they will remember that you showed up. They will remember who noticed them. They will remember who sat beside them when life was heavy. They will remember the person who asked and stayed long enough to hear the real answer. I wanna be that kind of person, and I hope you do too, because sometimes legacy isn't built by doing something extraordinary. Sometimes it's built by noticing someone everybody else just happened to miss. Pass the flame. You know, before you go, I want to hear from you. One of the things I want to do differently this season is to make Pilot Light less of a one-way conversation. So tell me your story. Tell me who lit your pilot light. Tell me about a time somebody believed in you, encouraged you, or showed up when you needed it. Or tell me how you're passing the flame on to somebody else. You know, you don't have to write anything profound. Just tell me what happened, because throughout this season, I want to share some of your stories right here on the podcast. You can send yours to me right through the fan mail link in the episode description. And while you're there, if Pilot Light has meant something to you, would you also do two more things? Share this episode with one person who might need it, and then take a minute to rate the show on the podcast app that you're listening to. Those small things make a bigger difference than you might realize. They help more people discover these conversations and become part of what we're building here. But most importantly, I wanna hear from you, because this season isn't just about my stories, it's about ours. So tell me yours and let's keep passing the flame. Hey, thanks for spending time with me today. This week, notice somebody, especially the person who's usually noticing everybody else. You don't need the perfect words. You just need to care enough to reach first. So see farther, live deeper, become who you were created to be, and pass the flame. You were created to be a fire, not just a flicker. Keep the pilot light on, and I will see you next time